The Dark Sucker Theory

BELL LAB PROVES EXISTENCE OF DARK SUCKERS! For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a spokesman from the Labs, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.

As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.

There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.

Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the ligher light floats to the top.

The immense power of dark can be utilized to a man's advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generates electricity and helps push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric light bulb, remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

Well, we thought we were going to have a full house for Thanksgiving. Turns out, the universe had other plans. My daughter and the grandkids got snowed in up in Michigan—because apparently Mother Nature wanted them to stay home and shovel instead of eat turkey. My son in Texas said he was “strapped for cash,” which is the same reason he gives every single year. At this point, I’m pretty sure he’s running a long-term experiment to see how many times he can reuse that excuse before it expires. Then my sister and her husband couldn’t come because her kids had nowhere else to go for Thanksgiving. I guess we’re all just running an involuntary family daycare system at this point. So in the end, it was just us. Which would’ve been fine… except we had bought three turkeys. Yes, three. Our freezers looked like we were preparing for a poultry apocalypse. We managed to cram one in, baked another, and smoked the third one like it owed us money. By the time we added homemade noodles, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, mashed sweet potatoes, homemade dinner rolls, oyster stuffing, and regular stuffing, it looked like we were feeding an army—or opening a buffet.

Gun Beach in Guam

Checking this out

Setting up this blogger is a little different than what I am used to.